I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
