I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
