i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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