Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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