Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
