I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
