It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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