i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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