I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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