i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
