I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
