Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
4 words: hood of his car
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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