I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
