You kept trying to hail an ambulance
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
