so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
