don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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