i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
whose parrot is this?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
