It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
