I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
