My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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