Old men and throwing up are my life now.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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