She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
