so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
