he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
