then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
