i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
