Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize