She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
