The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
