She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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