I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
