i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You have to summon your inner elephant
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
