Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
