you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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