highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
