Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
