I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
