So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
