Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
