He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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