Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
