i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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