I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
