Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
