I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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