There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Terrible idea I love it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
