the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
