I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
