I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
