it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
