So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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