home. puking in laundry basket.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
