If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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