she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He better not be in your backpack
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
