I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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