Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
