Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
