just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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