he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
