i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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