Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
